Planted Trees

I had been wanting to plant some trees in our yard for a long time and finally got to yesterday. I had been looking at them for 2 or 3 years but just couldn't bring myself to pay $30 for a tree that I knew nothing about growing. It seems no matter how hard I try or how hard I study, I do not have a green thumb and kill anything that lives. I could probably manage to kill a cactus.

So, yesterday I found a great deal on trees ~ $11/ea. Bought 2. I was so excited when I left and couldn't believe what a bargain I got. Got home, dug a hole, mulched, and sat outside looking at them. Of course, all I had to go by was the little card attached to each of them with a picture. That's mainly all I cared about. The picture. Once I got home, my husband told me that oak trees can get up to 50 feet - I was so happy - a shade tree in the front yard!

I know what you are thinking when you read the word "oak" ~

Someone should have told me.

From what I understand, I will not see this tree in its beauty in my lifetime. I found out from my husband AFTER it was planted that the tree will be for our kids and grandkids to enjoy. Years and years and years of growing. Not exactly what I had in mind. That explains why they were $11/ea.

The other is a crepe myrtle. Hoping to see it before I'm so old I'll forget its there. Heard it does grow fast. Maybe they meant faster than the oak - have no idea. I'd just like to see my accomplishment while I'm still alive.

Raed wouthit a porbelm

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid.
Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde
Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng
is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit
pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can
sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae
the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Teamwork...and the lack thereof

My husband is finally back from his 6 weeks of his pain management training. Things are back to normal now - lost control again of the remote and am now stuck again watching Fear Factor, PBR Bull Riding, Championship Poker and westerns. *sigh*

No more quiet naps in the middle of the day, no more having the entire bed to myself.

Since he's been back I've been realizing how much he has been getting away with since we've been married. Like leaving dirty dishes on the table for me to pick up to wash. His clothes scattered again by the side of the bed, leaving the toilet lid up, hangers upside down in the closet where he yanked off a shirt, hair in the bathroom sink where he shaved, bowls where someone has been eating peanut butter and syrup in the middle of the night in the sink, the TV being turned up so loud I can't even think straight and at the same time him taking a nap snoring over the TV, and list goes on and on.

Saturday night we took our daughter to see the Amityville Horror. She is terrified of Freddy Kruger yet thought that the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was stupid - yet, she had begged and begged to see this new movie. I thought it would be funny to hear her scream in the theater or just see her jump. No, this isn't cruel - I just remember how Pet Cemetery made me feel and wanted her to feel the same thing. She sat in the middle of her dad & I ~ within the first 10 seconds she had a tight hold of my arm. There were parts where she would duck her head - couldn't even watch - she jumped about 10 times - cried over the dog - pretty dramatic ordeal for her. I must admit that I had no idea anything about this movie - I had never seen the original and had no idea where the movie was going as far as the plot or much of what it was about other than it was supposedly a true story. I did as best I could to keep from picking apart the movie as far as its credability. Only got scared when the little girl jumped off the roof (I have nightmares about heights and this sort of thing happening on accident) and then at the very end, like the last 10 seconds of the movie - at which point I jumped and popcorn went flying every which way.

After it was over I felt sick on the way home - assume I ate too much popcorn. That's never happened before - must be one of those "once you turn 30" things. Came home to go to bed and ended up with my daughter in my bed and her dad in hers.

Took our son Saturday morning to his baseball game. It was so cold - went from wearing shorts the day before to needing earmuffs. That was miserable though his team did win.

Left there to look at storm shelters. Not sure why my husband decided we needed one all of a sudden - even had me write down the phone number - like either one of us is going to ever call. Since our car was struck by lightening back in 1997 which burnt a hole through the frame and fried every wire throughout the car (I should mention that we were in it driving down the road) ~ I do feel invinsible when it comes to lightening and storms. That same day back in '97 we returned home to find windows broken out of our house with slithers of glass dug into our floor like knives - no paint left on the house - bicycles that were in the yard now 3 acres away - I'm not scared like I used to be. Glad I wasn't home at the time but even if I had been, by the time I realized what was happening with glass flying through the air, I couldn't have run anywhere. I also feel that since this house is still standing since it was built in 1912 - I really have nothing much to worry about.

Went for a drive and got lost Sunday - it was a beautiful day and my husband loves to go out on dirt roads where he has no clue where we're going. Roads that are not maintained by any means, driving over bridges that could collapse at any moment. I am usually a nervous wreck the entire time in fear that we will have car problems or get stuck and end up in a place like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre ~

The kids were out of school yesterday (not sure what reason the school gave this time) ~ it rained most of the day with terrible thunderstorms around that had tornados. Went to rent movies but everyone already wanted out of the car before we even got there ~ the 4 of us don't travel anywhere well together. By the time we got there I didn't want to even go in muchless pick out a movie - I walked around the store with the new releases and right back out to the car leaving them inside. Not sure what triggered our sudden "sick of each other" feeling ~ I'm thinking it started when the 3 of them were headed to the car and I heard someone yell "stop it" and other one yell something back and then my husband yell ~ thinking it may have been a mud puddle. Went to Wal-mart to get some groceries - all 4 of us wondering around like we are lost because I am in no mood to take charge and my husband is just being contrary saying "whatever....I don't care what you want....I don't want to cook....I'm picky about what I eat though....don't know if we have that or not....sugar? is it on sale?...." SALE? Since when does he care what's on sale?? Sugar is $1.50 and that's not on sale so that's too much?? I just wanted OUT of there. Came straight home (couldn't get here fast enough for any of us) ~ I decided to cook while my daughter gave me that disgusted look because I've asked her to help so sent her back to her room so I didn't have to look at her ~ can hear my husband snoring over the tornado warning they've just issued ~ and my son, who is still so very sweet, telling me he can make his own salad and that the lettuce doesn't need to be washed.

So basically, there wasn't alot of anything going on here ~ all I wanted was everyone to pitch in the help "spring clean" - yeah, what was I thinking?

So, the kids are back in school, thank goodness, and my husband is now out joining the gym. I told him to sign up for 6 months and that maybe by that time I'd consider joining. I have no desire at this point in my life and really want this time when he's there for us to be doing our own thing. We spend way too much quality time together as it is.

I've been thinking about maybe planting some flowers or plants around the yard ~ haven't done that before since our dogs would probably destroy them seeing as how one is OCD. No, never thought it was possible for a dog to be obsessive compulsive, but it is. I hope to accomplish something today ~ it's just so hard to get motivated when no one else seems to really care.

Long Lost Friend

I recently added my name on the Classmates.com website. I wasn't sure that I wanted to but had no choice. Their site will not let you view anything without joining. I was curious to see if there was anyone I knew but hesitant about putting myself out there for them to contact me. There are some I'm sure I'd rather forget ~ worse yet, if they contacted me and I didn't remember them.

Our school was small compared to the average public school. They were open for many years though so there ended up being more people listed that I didn't know than I had expected. I figure the ones that I didn't see simply didn't have a computer or was like me and not sure that they wanted to be found.

Since my mom still lives in my hometown, I still get the scoop on different people. Some of the things she tells me surprises me ~ people that I would have guaranteed would have been successful that aren't ~ those who I didn't figure would be successful that are. Girls who left their children to be raised by their parents ~ the same girls that were the ones I expected to have the large home with a picket fence, a dog, a minivan and dressed to perfection.

Last night I received an email from a friend I'd had since I was in 2nd grade. It was ironic that she emailed as I was thinking about her the other day...wondering what had happened to her, where she was, if she was okay. Remembering how sheltered we both were ~ how much we enjoyed being around each other as kids ~ remembering how she & I made duffle bags in 7th grade in Home-Ec and learned to sew on a button. I remembered my mom dropping me off at her house while it was still dark outside, and I would tip-toe to their couch and go back to sleep before they would drive me to school with them everyday. I remembered how I'd spend the night at her house and we would stay up until 11pm and wait for the Weekend Special on Shock Theater ~ they would play scary movies like Tales from the Crypt. We would be laying on the floor with a blanket over us handy enough to reach down to pull over our heads when we got scared. I remembered the episode where this creepy old man blew his nose and his nose fell off and we freaked out. I remember a weird smell in her house ~ a smell I'd never smelled before and still cannot figure out what it was.

She told me that she has 3 children now and still lives there and is finding friends from when she was little after the death of one of our classmates who had been killed a few years ago by a train. It was just nice to hear from someone from my past ~ makes my past more real to me. The things I do remember really did happen even though it seems like it was a lifetime ago. I hope that we can continue our friendship and I hope that we will still have things in common.

It is sad that as we get older how certain people can drift out of your life. My best friend I have had since before we started Kindergarten is a perfect example. Even though we've known each other and been best friends for about 30 years - we really have nothing in common. Everytime we talk it's always about what we did "back in the day" or "remember when". I don't know how 2 people who could grow up so close as she & I did, that did everything together and finished the others sentences could have nothing in common now. She was married, now seperated, no children - I am married with kids. Did me having kids cause this? She likes still going out to bars and parties - I don't do that anymore. She has a great successful career ~ I don't have that. But I don't understand how those things could make us have nothing in common and leave us nothing to talk about. We don't know the same people anymore ~ we live about 1 1/2 hours away from each other so don't see each other often - so why do we not have alot to talk about when we see each other? I live on a farm ~ she lives in the city. Okay, so I've pointed out some obvious reasons but I still don't get it. I would just think a bond as strong as ours that has lasted as long would be hard to break.

I just miss having good, best friends. My best friend is my husband and I think that is the way it should be ~ but I do miss having someone to go shopping with and talk to other than my daughter. The friends I have made here seem fake ~ the 2 friendships that I have made here so far with whom I considered "good" friends ~ don't even speak to me anymore. No friendship left at all. 1 of them was my former employer who I did absolutely nothing to to give her a reason to act this way, and another lady who has a daughter in my daughters class. Everytime the phone would ring I would know it was her calling to "tell on my daughter". It got old real quick ~ but I was patient ~ we could work through it. Her daughter has some MAJOR problems and will continue to have these problems throughout her life I think ~ she takes medicine to help control her outbursts but is known for her disruptive, abusive, and often violent behavior. At the time, I felt my daughter would be a good model for this girl ~ no one else in school wanted anything to do with her and my daughter wanted to help her. I never once called her mother to complain about her daughter when she brought a knife to school ~ the teachers knew it. I didn't call her about the "hate box" she carried with her with pictures of kids that she hated in it ~ the principal knew that -- and I know this lady already knew it too. She was dealing with it the best she knew how.

The last straw with this girl came when she stole the brand new tennis shoes I had bought for my daughter to play basketball in and homework papers right out of my daughters locker in front of everyone. The teachers were told of it by the other students, checked this girls folder she had in her hand and found nothing of my daughters. They decided not to check her locker because apparently it was terrible with old food, etc... I was mad -- I was really, really mad. I wrote a note to principal requesting him to provide my daughter a combination lock for her locker for me to know that her things were locked securely and to eliminate the need to be suspicious if things were to keep coming up missing. I didn't approach the other mother because I didn't want to fingerpoint at her daughter not knowing even IF her daughter had taken them or if my daughter had simply misplaced her shoes and didn't want to tell me and made up a story to cover it up. I don't want anyone accusing my daughter of anything unless there is proof ~ and I didn't have any real solid proof. This mother got a call from the principal for other reasons pertaining to her daughter and did mention the suspicion of the shoes. She freaked out and in my opinion, acted just like her daughter. When she saw me at the school the next day to pick up my kids, she not only gave me the finger but called me every name in the book, in the school parking lot in front of everyone. "You went behind my back by telling the principal ~ you should have called me!" she kept screaming. All I did was walk away without saying a word which then made her even more angry ~

She still glares at me everytime I see her. That was about 6 months ago.

Being a friend requires alot of work ~ I am the type that if I don't call you for a few weeks, it's not that I don't like you ~ I am busy. I think of you and I miss you ~ but I have other things I need to handle right now that I have placed as priority. Not alot of friends are like that and so understanding. Friendships are special and they should be treated as such ~ not taken for granted and certainly require respect. I know I could be a better friend and a better neighbor which I do need to work on. Its just easy to get carried away with my family that I cannot see the world around me. I don't think there is anything wrong with that ~ but I do think there is a fine line to avoid from being seen as rude or uncaring.

I just want to make sure that I can be a good friend to someone before I go trying to find one.

Only God Knows......

It seems that every living animal that enters our hearts ~ dies.

Seeing as I have lost count of how many actual animals we have lost during the last 5 years says to me that it is too many. None our fault ~ just life.

I just wish my son didn't have to feel the hurt of death so frequently.
I am afraid he will become numb to the hurt eventually.

The goat was fine the entire next day after I last posted.
I took pictures ~ emailed them to everyone in my address book.
Praised my son ~ they both seemed they'd succeeded and beat the odds.

Friday night the goat turned from excellent to bad to worse in a matter of an hour.
Too weak and frail ~scared me to even have him hold it.
He sat there crying ~ a cry of desperation ~ a cry of fear ~
repeating the same thing over and over ~ "oh no".

Saturday morning it hadn't made it through the night.
He quietly said his last goodbye.
He blamed himself saying he was a bad father.
After much reassurance of what a big heart he has, a determination and a genuine concern ~ I explained how that makes him so different than so many people in the world.

At the young age of 8, my son was a better father to his goat than some fathers are when they are adults. Alot of fathers in this world do not even deserve the title "father". They haven't earned it.

Many prayers were prayed by my son that went unanswered.
My son has a solid faith and relationship with God.
He knows that no one else could love him the way God does and realizes that He is the only one that loves him as much as his mom and dad.

Though his prayers were unanswered ~ with no explanation ~
my son was at peace. He knew that there was a reason.
He was okay in knowing that only God knows why.

A New Father & Baby

Everytime my son goes to our neighbors house, something always happens.
Something bazaar to me.

Our neighbor is a true, genuine redneck.
It's okay to me now ~ I've gotten used to it.
They are everywhere out there and I must say that I may be turning into one.
Never thought I would ever say that.
It's just easier to live with it, accept it and deal with it and go on.

Let me rephrase that ~ I didn't choose to become one. It just happened.
Not overnight either.
This happened because I believe my husband is and now my son. It spread....
they are a reflection of me as I am a reflection of them. They just seem to overshadow me.

My neighbor is about 50 or 55 I would guess.
His hobby is hunting wild hogs.
He has wild hog babies running around in his pasture.
Some would think that's odd - I see them everyday so its not anymore.
That's how I have come to the conclusion that I must be a redneck too.

His expertise came in handy one night.
A "daddy" wild hog seemed to feel at home on our front porch trapping us inside. We had no gun ~ nothing to defend ourselves. It had tusks ~ ramming into the front door. Against my husbands wishes, I called my neighbor to ask him to intercede. Him, his friends, his hunting dogs, flashlights and gigantic trap, took down this giant wild hog, put him in the trap and left. My husband was humiliated ~ we live on a farm with no gun. We didn't even get any bacon out of the deal.

My son visits this neighbor about 3 or 4 times a week.
Helps him feed his animals, rides goats, mules, and helps skin animals.
For example, raccoons ~

This neighbor will do anything for my son ~ literally.

My son wanted to bring home the raccoon meat in a ziplock bag to have it for dinner.
Ummmm.....yuck and NO I'm not that much of a redneck. And not the beaver either btw.

I am a very nice mom I believe.
At any other point in my life I would have freaked out, had a nervous breakdown, jumped in my car and headed back to civilization. Maybe I've become a redneck.

My son brings homes wild hog tails ~ antlers ~ horns ~ skins.
All icky.

Tonight he brought home something different.
Something that must officially term me and my family as rednecks.
No doubt about it ~ we must be. None of us have complained.

A baby goat.
Just born.
The mother abandoned it and wouldn't feed it.
My son to the rescue ~ as always.
Too cold outside.
Needs a new home.
Someplace warm with lots of love.
It cries like a baby.
My son cradles it in his arms like a baby.
Feeds it with a bottle with its mothers milk.
Sleeping in a box next to his bed.

My husband and I have had a long talk about this baby.
The responsibility.
The risk of losing it.

My son knows and will probably sleep with 1 eye open.
That's what a parent does.

I hope it will make it for my sons sake.

More trips to the neighbors house?
Absolutely.

Being a redneck is in my sons blood.
There is no changing that.
He is who he is.
And with that said, he is my son and I will gladly be the reflection of him.

A start of something new

I figure on days like today, when I really have nothing new to write about ~ I have decided to participate in a "questionaire" type thing that I found on another blog called The Journal Jar.
Everyday she asks different questions and I will try to answer them as best I can. I am starting from the beginning so I will probably be so far behind since I am not making a huge commitment to participate in it.

First Question ~

Describe your first job. What did it pay? What were your duties? What was your boss like?

The first job I ever remember having was working at a flower shop as a delivery driver.

It was probably one of the most fun jobs ever. It was the neatest thing to see the faces of people who were being delivered flowers ~ their faces would just light up and they'd get so excited. I took them to hospitals, nursing homes, businesses and homes ~ it was great. I remember that I quit because Summer came. It was hot (I had no idea what hot was in Colorado until I moved to Texas!) and probably somewhat lazy. I liked to stay busy but delivering flowers wasn't something that kept me busy for too long except on holidays. I don't remember my boss ~ I remember it was a lady and she was beautiful ~ that's it. I'm sure she was very nice too. I made minimum wage which I'm sure contributed to the fact that it was so easy to quit. I really didn't take it seriously ~ it was fun for a while. I'm sure I thought there were bigger and better things to do. I wouldn't trade my first job for any other one though ~ I enjoyed it while it lasted.

Deadbeats

I have been venting all day today about not getting child support.
I do this about every couple of months.
Probably around the time my daughter needs something like:
an eye exam/contacts, braces, shoes, clothes, CD's, jewelry, money...
and it always happens when I'm broke when she needs things.

I emailed the state child support office today.
Am anxious to see how long it takes them to respond.

I told them that with him owing more than $50,000 in back support,
they should want to speed things up and that 11 years was plenty.
For the last 2 years they say that the case is in the "legal process".
I assume they are actually meaning it is misfiled someplace never to
surface again.

I have been to website to website, message board to message board
trying to find out anything that would help me out. Nothing.
We are all in the same boat not knowing where to turn.

What I wish more than anything is if I could come up with a "WANTED"
poster of him and have them hung all over the town where I know he is.

Problem is.....he is NOT wanted as it is still in the legal process.
Forever ~ possibly.

Don't get me wrong ~ I am sympathetic to both sides of the child support issues.
I am sympathetic to the fathers paying as I am to the mothers.

Child support shouldn't have to be so complicated ~ getting things through the court system, having to depend on an attorney, trying to get payments reduced, etc... I am sure that there are many fathers out there paying way too much in payments who feel helpless in getting it resolved ~ but there are others who are getting away with paying next to nothing. The system that is in place in my opinion is a complete failure, especially to those who are trying to deal with collecting out of state like myself.

My husband pays way too much and has since we first got married.
We almost divorced a time or two over it but somehow managed through. Since that time, they have raised it again even though his income fell. He continues to make payments toward the back child support owed the day they walked out of court ~ $80.00/mo extra for the last 9 years or more (we have been together 9) and still owes close to what he did then because of interest. If he misses 1 payment (changed jobs or payment sent in late) ~ notice in the mail immediately.

So, how is it that my daughters father has flown under the radar as long as he has? Why has he not been threated by having to go to jail? Problem there is he wouldn't mind....that way the state could feed and shelter him and give him the medicines he needs. So what, they let him out, he still doesn't pay, he goes back? Free ride. In the meantime, my daughter could be hungry -- but he has food and shelter.

My biggest question is why do they threaten to take doctors or lawyers licenses away for their failure to pay? Aren't they going to have a harder time trying to pay if they are sacking groceries at the local supermarket?

They say they will suspend a drivers' license for failure to pay.
My daughters father probably doesn't have one anyway and still drives.

My real concern now is whether or not this debt will hang over his head for the rest of his life. Is there a point when he isn't obligated to pay it? He wouldn't owe it to me, but would owe it to her.

She is going to have my husbands last name added to her name on her birthday. I am so happy about that. He has been the only father she has known and am so happy that she wants to have his name and we can all have the same name.

Hopefully I will have a response soon from their office. Probably the same cut and paste letter/email they send everyone.

It is DONE

After days and days of sorting through papers up to my ears, my fingertips worn from pushing the buttons on my calculator ~ my taxes are finally done.

One thing that didn't occur to me until today is -- my printer does not work. So now I get to handwrite all of these papers to send in so that will probably take me right up until April 15th by the time I locate the forms I need, figure out what lines to fill in, where to mail it to, buy the stamp to mail it and seal it with a big red lipstick stained kiss on the back of the envelope.

I have been using Turbo Tax for the last 3 years ~ did it again this year. It just makes taxes too easy with its adding and subtracting ~ the questions are yes and no ~ and then it checks it and prints it out on the forms that I need. Very spoiling. That was a great invention.

So, for the next several weeks I am sure I will be chasing down the mailman before he even gets to my box to see my refund check. The anxiety will kill me. What a relief it is done.

I got food poisoning the other night. Not sure how. My daughter says it was all in my mind that I had been poisoned by the hamburger meat used in the tacos. She says that because she is the one that cooked. Back to her only cooking frozen pizzas from now on.

My son had his first baseball game this season last Saturday. We were surprised to see him playing catcher. He is so tiny and the protective equipment looked so heavy ~ but he did fine. I was proud. Wish my dad had bothered to go. Too busy ~ as always. What's new. My dads number 1 person is himself. Always has been and always will be so why would anything change all of a sudden. Someday I will come to the realization that we are in his way ~ and an inconvenience. Extra baggage.

So now that it is almost 3 and time for the kids to get out of school, I will get ready for the day. This time change has things all screwed up. I know its been over a week but I will adjust to it about the time its time to change back to the other time.

Have I married Tim the Toolman?

My mom has been complaining to me and others for months now that her stove in her kitchen hasn't worked since Thanksgiving Day. As she was preparing their Thanksgiving feast ~poof~

It isn't broken ~ it is new.
The problem with her stove is that the electricity line that runs to it seems to have a mind of its own and only works when the wind is blowing. It is an on/off situation.

Obviously, this is a safety hazard.
Apparently, my stepfather doesn't see this as one.
He gets upset that meals aren't prepared but there is only so much a person can do with a crockpot, microwave and a George Foreman grill.

As I sit here steaming mad about my stepdad, I guess I didn't fall far from the tree. At this point, I really don't see a need to panic due to fire issues but am dealing with my own set of things with my own husband.

For example:

Right now I am dealing with a shower head that has 1 little spitter that is completely out of sync with the others -- it is spraying above the rest and seems to have direct aim at my left eye when I look at it. It makes me want to scream I get so mad. I know I am not the only one that realizes it is doing that.

The other thing is the piece of paneling my husband used to enclose the hot water heater. At some point it must have gotten damp and hot so his "glue" (I'm sure he used) has come undone and everytime I walk in the laundry room I either have to prop it back up or it comes crashing down on my head.

The seal stuff that you stick around the outside of your bathtub to cover up the edges and corners of the bathtub to the wall are not on right. There is now moisture behind the $30.00/each sheets of backboard. Who knows what it is doing to the walls.

The cabinet that is above the bathtub faucets that has our towels in it has a door that is warped now from the shower and has to be slammed to shut....not gently, I mean put everything you have behind it to shut it.

My dresser that sits in our bedroom by my computer is leaning forward like it is going to fall over any second. My husband says it is doing that because the house is so unlevel. That may also explain why my wall is slanted, my chair keeps sliding back away from my computer desk trying to roll me toward the center of the room, and may also explain why when I shut the bathroom door I'd better just crack it or it will literally trap me in....the doorknob doesn't turn right so it is only a matter of time before someone has to break the door down to get my 8 year old son out.

Everything is warped and unlevel in this house. It's like one of those rooms you go to at a carnival and everything is screwed up and it makes your stomach queezy.

When I stand outside I can clearly see how it is drooping at the back of the house. Even driving down the road the roof is slanted.

Now I realize that this house was built in 1912 -- it will have some problems. I am just wishing that someone (i.e. my husband) would not only acknowledge the problems but actually do something about it.

If I needed to mow the lawn I would need HIM here to start it. If my well breaks, HE has to be here to fix it. I say the word "fix" lightly because it's more of a bandaid way of fixing.

Sometimes I wish I had a new house ~ a normal house. One that was built in the last say.....20 years. A house that was built by a builder ~ someone who knows the size a door is supposed to be and how high an average ceiling is to be. Apparently, back in the days of 1912, they must have been short, tiny people. My ceiling is about 8 feet high, it is about 1000 square feet and my front door is the size of a closet door. I would have to have one custom built to fit if I wanted to replace it.

The only good thing about our house is that it was passed to me from my grandfather and is full of memories and is very sentimental - it has about 10 layers of shingles layer after layer over each other so in the event of a tornado, my roof will stay intact, and well,........I guess that we don't owe any money on it so that is a good thing.

I have been told to enter us into the Extreme Home Makeover show but I haven't done that. I just know that there are more "needy" people out here. I have never watched the show because even though they do such wonderful things for people ~ I just cannot handle watching them have these houses built for these people when we are sitting here, deserving in our own respect, of something like that. It is too depressing for me to watch and do not want to feel sorry for myself. I can't even watch the commercials on TV about it....I can't watch the Sears commercials because that guy is on them.

I realize that there is only so much a person can do with our house and it probably would be best to start over. But at this point, and not in the near future will we be able to do anything about it. The hardest part of having a house this old and this house in particular is that it has asbestos siding. I'd have to call the haz-mat team to come remove all of that in their white special suits and haul it to who-knows-where to get rid of it.

So, in the meantime, I just keep praying we stay safe and the electrical lines we have are in good condition, pray that nothing happens to the siding to give us all cancer, and that it doesn't fall off of its pier and beams.

Gotta love the country and the way the ol' timers used to do things.

The Procrastination Award goes to ME

The clock is ticking.
It's been ticking since I got my W-2 in the mail.
10 days to go before April 15th.
I have been dreading this..........

For the last 3 years I have had my own little home business.
It went under in August of last year.
It would have stayed afloat if my husband hadn't gotten hurt at work. Every year I have been organized until last year. It seems as if when my doctor decided to put me on Effexor ~ my brain seemed to function differently as if it didn't have a care in the world. My New Years Resolution for the last 10 years has been to get and stay organized. I was doing so well until ~poof~ === my brain went crazy from the medicine and I began living in la-la land.

I knew it was going to be bad.
Nothing has been touched since August of last year.
I had everything in piles beginning to cover with dust.
Receipts, papers and index cards in no particular order.

So, I got ambitious yesterday and decided I better get busy.
Actually, it had some to do with the comments my husband made over the weekend about me always saying I wouldn't let it get to April 15th at 11:59 before putting it in the mailbox. I was determined to prove him wrong this year. So, I pulled out my handy calculator with the gigantic buttons so I can see, blew the dust off of my papers and went to work. After working about 4 hours yesterday and 3 more today I am now surrounded in even more piles of paper. I am tip-toeing through my bedroom waiting for one of the kids to come in dragging a blanket.

I have asked my family to please help me ~ they make excuses as to why they can't. They also are making excuses as to why they cannot take the trash out, clean their room, pick up after themselves, or do anything without being told. I ended up having to ground my daughter to her room this afternoon for not doing what I told her to do and I took her stereo away from her. Now she is sitting in there humming....and humming...and humming..... I don't know what is worse ~ her humming or Ashley Simpson.

So, for the rest of the night I am closing my bedroom door being careful not to disturb my huge mess I have now because I decided to make some progress and accomplish something instead of just getting a CPA, and trying to drown out the dogs that keep barking at nothing, my sons TV and her humming.

I don't drink, but I think I could use one right now. Actually, maybe I need the doctor to put me back on Effexor - life was fun then.

Run like the wind

I had never been to a track meet until last night.
They did so good that won District.

It exhausted me watching those kiddos keep going non-stop.
Through the rain, wind and cold they knew why they were there.
All wanting to be #1.

I was cold, shivering ~ my ears hurting from the wind.
I was tired and it was dark - getting closer to my bedtime.

Without having an athletic team of any sort when I grew up, I have been learning a lot about athletics, will and determination by watching my daughter dedicate herself to these events. Cross country, basketball and track. I have sat and cheered her on for countless hours ~ she is somewhat always the "underdog" when it comes to sports because she is like me ~ not very coordinated. I am hoping she will be one of the ones that wind up growing out of that awkward, kwirky phase of adolesence unlike her mother. I could have never done gymnastics or could ever be a waitress - 'nuf said.

Last night I watched her come in 1st at least twice. I lost count because of how many she ran and jumped.

They would make the announcement over the loud speaker of the top 5 in each event. Everytime they would say her name my eyes would water and I would get a lump in my throat. I would look at her with her beautiful blonde hair ~ tall, slim figure ~ and ask myself how I created such a pretty young woman. I enjoy so much watching her enjoy the things in life that I was never able to experience. Having her feel what accomplishment feels like at the very young age of 12 - not having to wait until she's 20. Having something to say she's good at ~ and having her coach brag about her to everyone around when he is the crankiest man. Having a whole section of parents cheering her on as she runs by the stands, encouraging her to keep pushing it. Where she can take some credit as part of the team for her contribution and the criticism that isn't so constructive coming from her from the not-so-team-players.

As I sit there with my son in the bleachers - he is screaming his head off at her to "push it push it - run, run - faster, faster!", I remind myself of how important it is for me to be there but yet still wishing she had more people in her life to celebrate this with her.

Even though I know that there is an entire cheering section in Heaven watching down being as proud as they can be, where is everyone else? Where are the grandparents that are still alive? But the biggest question of all is where in the world his her biological father? He has no clue she runs track, he has no clue she has blonde hair, he has no clue how tall she is, has no clue who she is, probably doesn't even remember how old she is and ultimately doesn't want to know. One thing he DOES know is that she has a hole in her eardrum that needs surgery and he will not help see to it that she gets it. No matter how hard I analyze and try putting the shoe on the other foot, I cannot for the life of me understand how someone could live their life knowing that there is a child out there with their blood running through their veins, the contributor to the fact that she is alive and not want to experience any part of their life?

He doesn't care if she has food, shelter, clothing, medical attention, emotional support, enough love ~ he's never bothered to contribute any of these things nor check on her well-being. The only thing he contributed was about 5 minutes on the telephone with her and insisted that she not say "Yes sir" telling her it sounded like she was in a military camp ~ but what was over the top was that he wanted her to call him "dad". She's never seen this person or talked to him before in her life and he wants her to call him "dad"??

So as I sit in the bleachers wondering what is wrong with the picture of me being the only one there, I remind myself that anyone that is as clueless as he on being a parent, how to deal with a child in general that they've never met, I remind myself of that telephone conversation and the fact that he owes more than $50,000 in past due child support and still has 6 years for that to accumulate and realize that she is better off with it just being ME. My blood runs cold as I sit there hurting for her ~ even though I know that it doesn't bother her nearly as much as it bothers me. She doesn't honestly care to know him ~ I think he has shown his true colors to her and she is more mature and not nieve to know that this is someone that she doesn't need in her life ~

I honestly believe that he thinks she will come looking for him someday ~ I doubt she will until she is much older and I know without a doubt it will only be 1 meeting. He will not impress her, she will realize the grass wouldn't have been greener on the other side if things had been different and ultimately she will know without a doubt how much I love her.

So, as I leave the track meet ~ wanting to bring her home and snuggle and kiss her forehead and brag about her ~ she begs to stay and ride the bus back to the school to stay and cheer on her friends and team ~ I drive away leaving my baby behind to be a young woman. The ties to her childhood are unraveling and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Even though she is so tall and is about 1/2" shorter than looking me square in the eye ~ she is still my little girl and as she grows taller than me and smarter than me she will always be the joy in my life ~ the little girl that brought meaning to the word "life" ~ realizing that all of the opportunity and potential that I had when I became pregnant with her is so irrelivant without having and knowing this unique, special girl ~ hoping and praying that I will be her anchor and the person in her life that encouraged her ~ and she will never for a second doubt or question the commitment I made to her when I had her and that having me was enough. Her own little itty bitty cheering section.