Run like the wind

I had never been to a track meet until last night.
They did so good that won District.

It exhausted me watching those kiddos keep going non-stop.
Through the rain, wind and cold they knew why they were there.
All wanting to be #1.

I was cold, shivering ~ my ears hurting from the wind.
I was tired and it was dark - getting closer to my bedtime.

Without having an athletic team of any sort when I grew up, I have been learning a lot about athletics, will and determination by watching my daughter dedicate herself to these events. Cross country, basketball and track. I have sat and cheered her on for countless hours ~ she is somewhat always the "underdog" when it comes to sports because she is like me ~ not very coordinated. I am hoping she will be one of the ones that wind up growing out of that awkward, kwirky phase of adolesence unlike her mother. I could have never done gymnastics or could ever be a waitress - 'nuf said.

Last night I watched her come in 1st at least twice. I lost count because of how many she ran and jumped.

They would make the announcement over the loud speaker of the top 5 in each event. Everytime they would say her name my eyes would water and I would get a lump in my throat. I would look at her with her beautiful blonde hair ~ tall, slim figure ~ and ask myself how I created such a pretty young woman. I enjoy so much watching her enjoy the things in life that I was never able to experience. Having her feel what accomplishment feels like at the very young age of 12 - not having to wait until she's 20. Having something to say she's good at ~ and having her coach brag about her to everyone around when he is the crankiest man. Having a whole section of parents cheering her on as she runs by the stands, encouraging her to keep pushing it. Where she can take some credit as part of the team for her contribution and the criticism that isn't so constructive coming from her from the not-so-team-players.

As I sit there with my son in the bleachers - he is screaming his head off at her to "push it push it - run, run - faster, faster!", I remind myself of how important it is for me to be there but yet still wishing she had more people in her life to celebrate this with her.

Even though I know that there is an entire cheering section in Heaven watching down being as proud as they can be, where is everyone else? Where are the grandparents that are still alive? But the biggest question of all is where in the world his her biological father? He has no clue she runs track, he has no clue she has blonde hair, he has no clue how tall she is, has no clue who she is, probably doesn't even remember how old she is and ultimately doesn't want to know. One thing he DOES know is that she has a hole in her eardrum that needs surgery and he will not help see to it that she gets it. No matter how hard I analyze and try putting the shoe on the other foot, I cannot for the life of me understand how someone could live their life knowing that there is a child out there with their blood running through their veins, the contributor to the fact that she is alive and not want to experience any part of their life?

He doesn't care if she has food, shelter, clothing, medical attention, emotional support, enough love ~ he's never bothered to contribute any of these things nor check on her well-being. The only thing he contributed was about 5 minutes on the telephone with her and insisted that she not say "Yes sir" telling her it sounded like she was in a military camp ~ but what was over the top was that he wanted her to call him "dad". She's never seen this person or talked to him before in her life and he wants her to call him "dad"??

So as I sit in the bleachers wondering what is wrong with the picture of me being the only one there, I remind myself that anyone that is as clueless as he on being a parent, how to deal with a child in general that they've never met, I remind myself of that telephone conversation and the fact that he owes more than $50,000 in past due child support and still has 6 years for that to accumulate and realize that she is better off with it just being ME. My blood runs cold as I sit there hurting for her ~ even though I know that it doesn't bother her nearly as much as it bothers me. She doesn't honestly care to know him ~ I think he has shown his true colors to her and she is more mature and not nieve to know that this is someone that she doesn't need in her life ~

I honestly believe that he thinks she will come looking for him someday ~ I doubt she will until she is much older and I know without a doubt it will only be 1 meeting. He will not impress her, she will realize the grass wouldn't have been greener on the other side if things had been different and ultimately she will know without a doubt how much I love her.

So, as I leave the track meet ~ wanting to bring her home and snuggle and kiss her forehead and brag about her ~ she begs to stay and ride the bus back to the school to stay and cheer on her friends and team ~ I drive away leaving my baby behind to be a young woman. The ties to her childhood are unraveling and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Even though she is so tall and is about 1/2" shorter than looking me square in the eye ~ she is still my little girl and as she grows taller than me and smarter than me she will always be the joy in my life ~ the little girl that brought meaning to the word "life" ~ realizing that all of the opportunity and potential that I had when I became pregnant with her is so irrelivant without having and knowing this unique, special girl ~ hoping and praying that I will be her anchor and the person in her life that encouraged her ~ and she will never for a second doubt or question the commitment I made to her when I had her and that having me was enough. Her own little itty bitty cheering section.