Easter

Today went better than expected after worrying all week.
I wondered how we were going to handle it.
It made reality "real" and I was scared to face it.
I was scared for my kids to face it.
This is how Easter will be now.

Every Easter for the last 4 years the kids and I would travel out of state to our grandparents house. Since we moved closer to them it was easier and there was no place in the world I would have rather been. Their home was "home" for me even though I never lived there.

The first year we went was when my grandmother was still alive. She had had a stroke about 10 years before and couldn't move around or do a lot of the things she would have liked to have done since that time. The last couple of years of her life became especially difficult for her. As she got older simple things were major. My grandfather took such great care of her. At that time, he was 88.

On this Easter in 2000 when we arrived at their house, she just wasn't going to be able to go to church. This was not normal. It was Easter - and that's what she did. My cousin had stepped on her foot a week or 2 before and she was REALLY stuck. It hurt her so badly and was blue and swollen. My husband soaked it in Epson salt and a bandage trying to help it from hurting.
After not having been there very long I realized that she wasn't able to get up and go to the restroom. She asked us to step outside while my grandpa brought her a portable potty. He couldn't even lift her up to get to it. For other reasons that I don't feel like I need to elaborate on, I decided I needed to call my dad. This was his mother and I didn't know what to do other than tell him what I was witnessing and to voice my concern.

I couldn't allow this to continue for her or my grandfather. It was too much for him to handle and I didn't want her to be so helpless.

Little did I know that that 1 phone call would do so much and start something that I had dreaded my entire life to get our world as we knew it, turning in a different direction.

My dad rushed to their house from about 100 miles away. He immediately called the ambulance to come and get her to take her to the hospital to have her foot looked at more closely. I think he assumed physical therapy would fix it. The ambulance came and they put her on a stretcher and carried her outside.

I remember this clearly ~ as if it were yesterday.
I remember trying to wipe my tears away fast enough so that she wouldn't see.
I was hopeful and optimistic about where this was going but was sad because it was Easter.

By the end of the afternoon she was at a nursing home facility where they would do physical therapy. My dad left. As always. I stayed with her until she didn't want me there ~ I knew she was frustrated and may have blamed me. I try not to think of that.

Now that she has gone ~ only 2 weeks after I made that phone call ~ I have to question my decision. Did I overreact? Was my grandpa fine taking care of her? He never complained.

She never came home.
It was Easter Sunday and I was responsible for taking her out of her "comfort zone".
That was the last time she was at her house after 40+ years of living there. And I took her away. What if I had just kept my mouth shut? Maybe she would have been there the next Easter.

The next 3 years the kids and I would go back to spend the day with my grandpa.
We would go to the park for the annual Easter Egg Hunt and take our lawn chairs.

Every Easter was always beautiful ~ the last 4.
Clear sunny skies and warm.

Since he passed away ~ actually, I have a hard time even using those words ~ it is more like ... since he was murdered ~ last August, things haven't quite been right with me. Even though I had a dad ~ he was my father.

So, today was the first Easter without him.
It was cold and rainy.
No Easter Egg Hunt today.

My son didn't mind on hunting eggs, thank goodness. They had done it at school Thursday so he didn't feel he was missing out on anything. He didn't say anything about our grandpa today ~ I wonder if he thought about him. He tends to block stuff like that out ~ he doesn't even want to talk about him a lot. My daughter remembered. She mentioned that it wouldn't be the same on Easter without him.

I tried not to think about it and did a good job.
Saying goodbye is a hard thing to do.
I just feel like I say goodbye every single day.
I say I'm sorry to my grandmother every day.
I know she forgives me.
She knew I loved her and cared so much.
I know it's not my fault.
I know it's not my dads fault.
I just can't help wondering if I should have left it alone.
Let them continue to live that way.
He was too old and couldn't take care of her any longer.
That's how I felt and I still feel that way.
I just feel that it was me that put it into motion.

I just miss them so much that I don't think I will ever stop crying.
I can still hear her laugh ~ and I can still see his wink.

I suppose the important part now is not to forget either one of those things.