12 Going on 30

Tomorrow night the school is having a dance. My daughter Jessica (12), has only gone to 1 other dance earlier this year and is really looking forward to this one. All of the girls are to invite a boy instead of the boys inviting the girls. She has decided not to invite one ~ she says she only wants to go to just to hang out with her friends.

As innocent and fun as this may sound, this whole dance thing has me really torn on what to do. I really want to let her go, but on the other hand I do not trust her. She tends to act before thinking regardless of the consequences. I know this has alot to do with her age but for some reason I expect more common sense from her.

Most of my losing trust with her came about because of a boy at her school who is 15 and in the 9th grade. We will call him "Henry". From what I understand, he comes from a home where his mother lost custody of him because of a drug problem and has no idea where his dad is. He now lives with relatives. I'm not sure that these relatives have put boundaries around him or not ~ I really do not know alot about him.

My daughter says that he needs someone to "talk" to ~ that his friends don't listen and she is the only one. She hangs on every word. I am certain that she tends to lead him on in ways of making him think that she likes him ~ which in all honesty, she does.

When she first told me about him is after her dad and I found a notebook hidden between her mattresses. It was full of notes back and forth to each other and her telling him things about herself that weren't true (i.e. she has horses, plays the drums, that she is 13 and not 12, etc...) When we confronted her about it I told her to get rid of the notebook and tell him that her parents didn't approve of this friendship/relationship....that she is not to go with boys 2 grades ahead of her. I told her "No boyfriend/girlfriend - he is too old". I cannot figure out why a 9th grader would be so interested in a 7th grader - just seems odd to me.

For weeks I never heard another word about Henry. I thought she respected what I said and moved on to other people.

Week before last, I caught her again with a notebook with them writing back and forth to each other. Only this time the conversation had a taken a turn. Though I couldn't read his handwriting very well, I did clearly read that he wrote, "I will miss you over the summer ~ we've got to make the last days of school last" ~ blah, blah, blah. My daughter writes back saying how it was nice to talk to him on the phone the night before (while I had left her at home to take my son to his baseball practice). She had been calling this guy on the phone.

I was livid.

Typically, I wait for 24 hours before I make a decision or do anything ~ I always want to think things through and not overreact. But that night I couldn't help myself. I grabbed the notebook and wrote Henry a letter which said "I warned you before to stay away from my daughter ~ you didn't listen or respect my wishes ~ you are out of chances". I'm not exactly sure what I meant by saying that ~ I think my mind was racing and was so mad I couldn't think straight. The only thing that I do know I was thinking was restraining order.....which did seem a bit over the top but that was my thinking at the time.

I grounded my daughter from the phone and not going anywhere until further notice and told her to go to bed. Since then, she really has gotten off easy out of this. I didn't draw a line to say "you are grounded for this long from these things...."

When she began talking about this dance coming up, I first said no way.
As it's gotten closer I keep questioning whether I am overreacting or not about Henry.
I just feel that Henry has found a girl, looking for attention from a boy ~ and other things.

We sat down and had a long talk and I explained my concerns to her. I explained a scenerio in my past in which I wish now that someone had said no to me and told me that the age difference was unacceptable. I do not want to follow in my own mothers footsteps by being so nieve. My mother lived in a fantasy world ~ never taught me about the birds and the bees ~ no instruction on what is acceptable behavior from a boy and what is not ~ what their intentions are, etc.. I feel I've learned the hard way and want to at least inform her of the fact that sometimes there are other motives than what there may seem. She seemed to understand what I was saying ~ but knowing that I cannot trust her I ask myself if she was just "pretending" to hear me to get me to leave her alone and be quiet.

I don't mind her having a boyfriend in the same grade or a grade above ~ but that is where I've drawn the line and set the boundary. Without me being with her all day, everyday at school I don't know what else I can do other than telling the principal my concerns ~ I just don't feel it is his responsibility to be the "father" at school.

My question is, do I let her go? She has shown to only be irresponsible and untrustworthy. Irresponsible in doing what she's been asked ~ time and time again. She knows I am not changing my mind about this boy which makes her feel that she has to hide it. But if I say "ok, go ahead" then someday it may end of being my fault for whatever may happen because I allowed it to happen.

She wants me to believe that she's not going there for him ~ though I feel she's being sneaky. I told her not to be surprised if I show up at the dance if I do allow her to go ~ should I do that? She told me to have one of the teachers be "in charge" ~ I said "why should I have to do that? Why can I not just be able to trust you??"

I have less than 24 hours to decide what to do.
I feel like I am smothering her to protect her ~ but I feel that I have good reason.
The most important reason is that she is only 12.