Dear Dr. Phil,

I am writing you this letter tonight because I cannot sleep.
In fact, I will have to sleep with 1 eye open for the rest of my life.

So Doc, if you have been following along with my blog you already know the trouble I have been having with my daughter. Please refer to my May 12th post entitled "12 Going on 30". As you read that post, you will notice my reference to that "Henry" character, the one that I instructed to stay away from my daughter as I will not allow my 12 year old to date a 15 year old. Well, he's been coming around again ~ well, apparently he never left.

The reason I have had to resort to you (and by the way, I am sending a courtesy copy to God as He will probably be more help to me than you as Phil. 4:13 says: "I can do all things through Christ which strengthened me") is because I need to borrow your brains for a minute.

So the story goes like this:

My husband, my poor sleepy 8 year old son and I just returned from catching this fellow with my daughter at 11:20pm. We did a stake out like private eyes would do.

You know the saying, "Give an inch and they'll take a mile"? Yeah, she took 10 miles tonight.

She had been asking all week to go to the graduation tonight. After having her grounded for weeks now her dad finally said yes, she could go. We bought the dress (see last post), and had no reason to worry. The plan/deal was that she would go with her friends to get ready at someones house and after the graduation she was to spend the night with one of them. I told her this morning that I didn't know exactly what house this girls lived in and didn't have a telephone number and she assured me she would call me with it this afternoon when they got there. I waited around and no call. I wasn't worried at all because I figured they had gotten busy. I knew she would call when they got back to the friends house after the graduation was over.

10:00 pm ~ Phone rings. I'm thinking it's her.

It's a different friend of hers (thank the Lord I have). She kindly informs me that after the graduation, my daughter and her friend did go back to the friends house but found out when she had called over there that they had gone to a boys house to watch movies. She called this boys house to find that "Henry" answered the phone ~ she asked for my daughter ~ Henry says, "You're interrupting, stop calling".

I thank the friend for her helpful information and assure her I will never tell who told me. I told her thank you for being such a great friend to my daughter and watching out for her and her best interest. I explain to her that I am not a mean mom ~ I just care about the well-being of my daughter. She understood and gave me the phone number to the friend where my daughter was spending the night and the boy.

I chose to call the friends house first. I spoke to her mother who told me that they were at this boy's house (I was NOT happy, but was friendly enough to get what I needed). I got directions to her house so that we could sneak up on them when they were to be home at 11:00.

We jumped in the truck and found the friends house and set up our stake out.

Within 5 minutes here they came.

We get out to meet them at the car as the passenger door opens.

First guy gets out and gets 1 look at us and wants to run for his life. I say, "Are you Henry??" with a huge smile on my face (being sarcastic of course). "No".....

A girl gets out ~ then out jumps my daughter. I grabbed her by the arm and told her to get in the truck. Her dad and I stood at the door waiting for the last person to come out, which would have to be our dear friend Henry (I just hope he was scared to death as he did).

Out he comes ~ never seen the kid in my life.
Never want to see him again.

He looked old ~ too old for my daughter. More "manly" than the twit I expected.

I said, "So, are YOU "Henry"???"......."yes"

I look at my husband (still smiling) and said, "So, this is the one that cannot understand the words, "Stay away from our daughter!!!"

My husband points his finger in "Henry's" face.

Husband: "Do you want to ever see my face again?"

Henry: "yes" (fiddling with his fingers)

Husband: "Are you SURE?"

Henry: "yes"

Husband: "WELL, if you do then you listen to me this last time (points at daughter), STAY AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER!!!"

Henry: -silence-

Husband: "uuuuummmm..........yyyyyeeesssss......."

Henry: "Yes SIR!"

I walk off and leave them standing there because my husband had it under control and didn't need my 2 cents at that point.

Henry did continue to explain that he didn't know we meant stay away from her completely that he thought that meant just not to call her. whatever

So Dr. Phil ~ I really need to figure out what a parent is to do. I also need your assistance in helping me find my daughter ~ because this person is not her. I thought I saw her the other day but my husband says he hasn't seen her in a long time. The girl that's here looks exactly like my daughter but doesn't act a thing like her ~ at least the one I thought I knew.

I do not feel hopeless but I do feel helpless. It's as if whatever she wants to do, the risk is worth it. I believe she thinks that while she serves the consequences for it, she can daydream about what she's in trouble for.

I take full responsibility for letting things slide at times ~ I pick my battles with her. I am always very careful of what I say to her and the words that I use. Never do I want her to look back and remember me having said something negative that she'd carry with her for the rest of her life not being able to get over it.

The reason I am so worried about my wording is because when I was about 16, I remember my dad saying to me, "If your grandmother ever dies it's because you gave her a heart attack". I remember as if it were yesterday ~ those words echo on to this day even though she's already gone. Though it was probably said in the heat of the moment, to me it was technically a guilt trip. I carried that guilt trip with me up until shortly after she died. (I didn't give her a heart attack ~ she died of natural causes). I am just so scared to make that same mistake saying something to my daughter to get her attention.

I have considered counseling for her ~ mainly because she has never met or known her real father and she has never really bonded with my husband (now her stepfather) though she has had him as a father her entire life. The bond never happened because she has been so contrary her entire life. She has lied to his face so many times, even at a very young age, that he cannot trust her. She really has been a pain in the butt to him and then she manipulates me which makes him even more upset.

The reason I have never had her counseled is mainly because I feel that by doing so "creates a problem". I have talked to her before about whether she would want to talk about it with our pastor or someone we do not know and she says no ~ she says she doesn't care about him anyway. So, if I force her to go it's (to me) saying "yes, you do have an issue about it even though you say you don't". She never, ever talks about him ~ has no desire at all to meet him. I just feel like it's really an issue "I" have and not her.

The fact is that this whole "I think I'm in love" thing is normal. But to totally disregard any boundary lines we have drawn just blows my mind.

The whole punishment thing doesn't seem to be working. What am I supposed to do, ground her to her room with nothing for the entire summer? Because I can't say for certain on the first day of school she wouldn't pull this same type of thing again. I simply do not trust her.

I haven't trusted her since she was in 2nd grade, Dr. Phil.
When she told the teacher she didn't have a bed.
She had to sleep in the closet.
She couldn't do her homework because she had to work on the roof of the house.

The teacher and I sat her down and had a piece of paper. We explained that the paper represented "trust". Then the teacher tore the piece of paper in half and said, "This is what happeneds when you lie ~ the trust is broken. You can tape it with scotch tape, masking tape, electrical tape, glue or stickers ~ but it will never be the same again."

That scenerio has been drilled into her brain time and time again.

So, Dr. Phil ~ I don't need help with the "I think I'm in love" thing but the how do I teach my daughter the importance of trust. If I pull the same stunt on her by lying to teach her a lesson ~ that doesn't seem like the right answer. For me to lie to her about something that makes her end up brokenhearted ~

I do believe in the power of prayer.
My prayer may already be answered but will be revealed in God's timing, not mine. The Bible says God does not give us more than we can bear, but I'm not sure why He thought I'd be a great parent ~ I am really bad at this. I freak out so fast when something goes wrong because I have worked so hard in paving the road to her future.

I just want her to learn from her mistakes and it's up to ME to see that that happens or she will grow up and be unaccountable and irresponsible.

So, Dr Phil ~ any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

But you know as well as I that I will never get around to really mailing you a letter. I don't want my dirty laundry being broadcast for the whole world to know.